WHAT IS POSTPARTUM? THE BEST DEFINITION IS: IT’S HARD

I had always dreamed of having a big family, but my feelings changed after going through postpartum with my first baby.

What’s the official definition of postpartum? The word postpartum comes from a Latin phrase which means “after childbirth”. The postpartum period begins immediately after birth and lasts for up to six months. That’s the amount of time that it takes a woman’s body to return to a pre-pregnancy state.

Now, that’s the dictionary’s definition. But read on to find out about what that definition isn’t telling you.

WHAT IS POSTPARTUM, REALLY?

Parents who have been there will agree that something important is missing from the official definition, and that’s the fact that the postpartum period is hard.

Well, of course it is, you may be thinking.

I agree that most soon-to-be-parents are already properly forewarned that after their baby is born their life will change. They’ve heard it time and time again that they’ll be tired and sleep deprived.

However,

most soon-to-be-parents are not being warned about other feelings that they’ll likely have after their baby is born.

It’s so important that new parents understand that these feelings are extremely normal and common.

Just by knowing this will help them be more mentally prepared and cope better.

If new parents have these feelings beyond the typical “baby blues” period of just one month, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re experiencing “postpartum depression”.

It can just mean…

they’re experiencing postpartum.

The postpartum period is extremely hard, and the unwanted feelings during this time are natural. These feelings may even last way beyond the postpartum period of six months. I still had most of these feelings well after one year.

It’s time that these feelings become more normalized.

Anyone’s mental health is going to be challenged when experiencing such horrible sleep deprivation while having to care for someone who’s extremely demanding days in and days out.

So, what are these postpartum feelings I’m talking about?

There are four common feelings that new parents will likely experience that will undoubtedly make the postpartum period difficult.

They are:

• Pain
• Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling Isolated

Let’s dive deeper into these four common postpartum feelings.

POSTPARTUM IS PAINFUL

If you’re the one who gave birth, either by vaginal delivery or cesarean section, you’re guaranteed to have some kind of pain and/or discomfort during postpartum.

Just imagine having major abdominal surgery, and less than an hour later someone hands you a baby to take care of.

Yup! Welcome to postpartum after having a c-section!

Most new mothers are not properly warned about all of the different kinds of pain and discomfort that are common after childbirth.

Pain and discomfort during postpartum comes in so many different forms:

• If you’ve had a c-section, your incision will be very sore, achy, and it can also burn. A burning sensation is very common and usually moms have this pain more on one side than the other. Your pain will be the worst when you’re getting in and out of bed.
• If you’ve had a vaginal birth, your vagina will feel sore and swollen. You may also feel pressure around your vagina due to the swelling, especially if you tore or had an episiotomy. Sometimes this pain can feel like it’s coming from your butthole, which is normal! Just another reason why childbirth can be such a pain in the ass! Oh, and let’s not forget those hemorrhoids! Hopefully you won’t have them. Applying an ice pack and witch hazel pads should help everything going on down there.
• You may feel cramping in your uterus as it shrinks back down to pre-pregnancy size (aka- afterpains). It’s a good thing, but it doesn’t feel good at all! This cramping not only helps your uterus get smaller, it also helps limit your risk of bleeding too much (aka- postpartum hemorrhage). This cramping will happen more often if you’re breast-feeding because nipple stimulation releases oxytocin from the brain which makes your uterus contract. This uterine cramping helps to clamp down on blood vessels which is why women who breastfeed have a lower risk of postpartum hemorrhage. Unfortunately, the cramping will be more painful if you’ve had more than one child since your uterus has to work harder to shrink back down to its pre-pregnancy size. The intensity of them can surprise some moms. Some cramps can hurt so bad that it’s like being in early labor again. But luckily, the cramps don’t happen very often and they’re usually completely gone after several days. Ask your nurse for a warm pack, or use a heating pad at home when a cramp strikes.
• If you had an epidural during a vaginal delivery, or an injection of anesthesia in your lower back for a c-section (aka- a spinal) your lower back will feel sore. Warm packs or a heating pad can also help this.
• Nausea, gas pains, or an overall bloated feeling is common after a c-section. Try eating some crackers, or something bland at first. Take it slow to avoid feeling nauseous. For gas pains and bloating, get up and start walking as soon as you can. Moving around will help your GI tract move out the extra gas. If you’re having shoulder pain, it’s most likely due to referred gas pain. Weird, right? I don’t see it happen very often, but when I do it can be very painful.
• You may have swelling (aka- edema) usually in your hands and/or feet and ankles due to extra fluid from being pregnant, or quite commonly due to the IV fluids you were given before and after labor. Even if you weren’t swollen during your pregnancy, you may actually become swollen after your baby is born from all of the IV fluids and medications you were given. Pitocin is a very common medication given to help labor go faster, and it can also be given after birth to help the uterus contract which prevents too much blood loss. However, Pitocin makes you retain fluid, which can cause swelling. Swelling can make your skin feel tight and uncomfortable. This swelling is normal. Keep drinking water (I know this sounds counter-intuitive) and keep walking around. You’ll pee off the excess fluid within a couple of weeks.
• You may have a headache from dehydration, high blood pressure, or a leak in your spinal fluid after having an epidural or a spinal. If you have a headache while you’re still in the hospital, your doctor and nurse will try to find out the exact reason why.
• Chills and shaking are common right after delivery, especially after a c-section. This is from a combination of the anesthesia and the operating room being cold. Operating rooms are kept cold to decrease the growth of bacteria and therefore decrease the risk of infection. They’re also kept cold to keep the surgeons cool since they are wearing heavy gowns, hair caps, and masks, and are under intense overhead lights.
• You may feel freezing after delivery, then you’ll feel so damn hot and sweaty you’ll be kicking off your blankets and asking for the temperature to be turned down in your room. This is normal and is due to hormones. During recovery moms are typically burning hot and dads or support persons are always freezing cold. They’ll appreciate if they brought an extra sweater to wear!
• If you’re breastfeeding, even with a good, deep latch, your nipples are still bound to get sore. Your skin will just go through a natural process of breaking down, then it takes some time to heal back up. Applying lanolin cream or some of your own breastmilk will help soothe them. If you can tolerate white knuckling through those painful feedings, in about 1-2 weeks your nipples should be completely healed up and breastfeeding will no longer feel painful. Hang in there! During this time I remember thinking that if I could endure this kind of sleep deprivation and horrible pain that I could get through ANYTHING IN LIFE! Was that dramatic? YES! But it was SO TRUE!
• When your milk comes in, your breasts may become very full and “engorged”. They may even feel hot. DO NOT pump off the extra milk. That will just tell your body that there’s more demand for milk so it will make more for you which is what you DON’T want! I know it sounds weird, but try placing some cool cabbage leaves on your breasts. This will help decrease the amount of milk which will help with the fullness and pain. Another pain in your breasts could be from a milk duct that is clogged. This causes the mammary gland to back up with milk and become rock hard. If this happens, try massaging the area and applying a moist, warm compress. If you have a fever at the time (100.4F or higher), definitely call your doctor or go to urgent care or the emergency room. You most likely have an infection in your breasts called mastitis, and you will need antibiotics.
• You may have a sore bottom from sitting up in the hospital bed or at home from holding or breastfeeding your baby for hours on end. Make a point to change positions. Taking time to lie down on your side will help a lot.
• Muscle tightness and tension in your shoulders, neck, and/or back is common due to holding or breastfeeding your baby.
• And then there’s just that overall feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck…

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Luckily, postpartum pain and discomfort is usually gone after the first month. But, that first month is usually the hardest for new mothers because they’re having to deal with pain and discomfort on top of everything else.

POSTPARTUM IS ANXIETY-INDUCING

There’s just so many questions…

New parents should be wondering how in the hell other parents before them survived without Google.

How do I swaddle my baby? Is it ok if I don’t want to breast feed? How do I change a diaper? How do I bond with my newborn? How many diapers per day should my baby have? Can I give my baby a pacifier? How can I support a mother who’s breastfeeding? When will the umbilical cord fall off? Does my newborn need Vitamin K? Why doesn’t my baby want to breastfeed? Why does my baby not like me? Should I decline giving my newborn erythromycin in their eyes? Why won’t my baby stop crying? Should I vaccinate my baby? How often should I give my baby a bath? Why does my baby keep throwing up? What the hell is that rash on my newborn? What is skin to skin? How can I decrease my baby’s risk of SIDS? Why won’t my baby stop crying? Can my baby sleep on their stomach? Why won’t my baby sleep? What if I accidentally hurt or drop my baby? Is formula bad? How can I support a new mom after childbirth? How do I help my older child adjust to the new baby? Is it normal to feel anxious after having a baby?

Etcetera.

Having so many questions is naturally anxiety-inducing.

Take heart in knowing that you’re not alone, and that anxiety during postpartum is very normal.

If you’re the partner, you may have your own additional anxieties.

These anxieties may stem from being the sole financial provider, or just from having to leave your partner and baby while you’re at work.

In addition, you may feel anxious by seeing your partner or your newborn upset. You may want to help, but don’t exactly know how.

This may lead to more anxiety because your partner may get upset at you for not helping enough, or for not anticipating their needs, and this may cause tension in your relationship.

So, what can new parents do to help with their anxiety?

The absolute best thing you can do to help anxiety is to accept it and not fight it.

Don’t get anxious about your anxious feelings.

You’re reacting appropriately to stress and nothing is wrong with you.

Accept the anxiety and surrender to it. If you can allow yourself to live with the anxiety instead of trying to fight against it, your anxiety should naturally lessen.

Easier said than done, I know.

Anxiety feels horrible.

But, anxiety is physically harmless.

I’ve had an anxiety disorder for over 20 years, but a woman by the name of Dr. Claire Weekes helped give me my life back.

Unfortunately, Dr. Claire Weekes passed away years ago, but her personal experience, insight, and advice that she left behind on how to deal with anxiety was and still is extremely helpful. Her books and audio tapes have helped me get through some of my hardest times…which not surprisingly, were always during postpartum.

If you’re feeling anxious, I encourage you to listen to her free audio tapes on YouTube.

Dr. Weekes’s wisdom continues to help me function in my everyday life by helping me understand how my body reacts to my anxious thoughts, and that getting upset about my anxiety just makes it worse.

And it doesn’t hurt that her motherly, Australian accent makes it sound like a Walt Disney character is talking to you.

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Some great advice that Dr. Weekes gave was to not lie in bed thinking anxious, “what if?” thoughts.

If you find yourself doing this, get up! Don’t continue to lie there!

Your anxious thoughts will only continue to get worse if you do.

After my second child, I’d wake up to my husband turning on the shower at 5 a.m. to go to work and I’d be stricken with horrible anxiety.

The dreadful sound of the shower meant he was going to leave, which meant I’d be alone with my baby and toddler all day.

Lying there in bed hearing him get ready to leave made my heart race and my stomach churn.

It felt miserable.

And the longer I laid there “turning my screw”, the worse it got.

However, once I got up out of bed, I’d start to feel better.

Throughout the day I’d never be completely free of anxiety, but at least it was more tolerable than just lying there.

Something else you can do to help lessen your anxiety is to move your body.

I really can’t stress this enough.

Getting your body moving and out of the house at least once per day will help you burn off a lot of that pent up anxious energy.

Never underestimate the power of removing yourself from your routine environment, getting fresh air, soaking up vitamin D (if it’s a daytime stroll) and getting your blood and oxygen to the brain flowing.

I assure you it will result in less anxiousness, and will give you an overall better state of well-being.

Another tip to help anxiety is aromatherapy. Preliminary research has shown that inhaling or being massaged with calming essential oils such as lavender can help relaxation and decrease anxious feelings during the postpartum period.

And to the partner who’s anxious, hopefully all of these tips will help for you too. But, if you’re having anxiety from having to be away from your partner and baby, be sure to call, text or FaceTime throughout the day whenever you can.

Also, if you’re feeling anxious because you’re not sure how to help, just ask what you can do.

Communication is everything. Never just assume that your partner doesn’t need your help. Always ask them, and then be sure to follow through with whatever they need. Even if they don’t ask, if you can think of something that could help, just do it.

By being extra helpful, both you and your partner’s anxiety will be less. They’ll feel more calm knowing that you’re that you’re there for them, and you will be less anxious because your partner is more calm!

POSTPARTUM IS OVERWHELMING

No one would ever expect anyone to work a job 24 hours a day, seven days a week without a break.

That would be violating all kinds of labor laws!

But that’s exactly what new parents do and are expected to do without question.

Wouldn’t that make anyone feel overwhelmed?

I mean, let’s just refer back to all of the questions and anxieties you’ll be having. Then, add onto that the constant demands and sleep deprivation day after day after day, and it’s a sure fire recipe to feel overwhelmed.

And THEN, add to that having another older child, or if you have twins or triplets…

and it’s no wonder you feel like you’re loosing your shit.

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One of the most overwhelming things in the world is having a helpless human or humans who are completely dependent on you for their sole survival.

From feedings to clothing to burping to diaper changes to bathing to being loved to staying warm to changing their position to making sure they’re happy, healthy, safe and alive…

(Take a deep breath)

It’ A LOT.

For ANYONE.

And then on top of it all, did anyone warn you that your baby will want to be held constantly? I don’t feel like I was properly warned about this.

After I had my first child, I was really surprised. I loved holding him, don’t get me wrong. Those are some of my sweetest memories.

Buttttt…..

when he’d fall asleep and I’d try to put him down hoping that I’d finally be able to do that thing I had been needing to do like: feed myself, take a shower, do the laundry or the dishes that were piling up. But he would immediately wake up and cry until I’d pick him back up again.

I was like, “Damn it! I miss my arms and my free will!!”

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But now, I have a better understanding that newborns are in a strange, new world.

In the womb, they were kept very warm and tucked in. They could feel the soothing motion of their mother inhaling and exhaling. They could hear her heartbeat and hear her voice and the voices of those around her.

It should actually be no surprise at all that newborns want to be held all of the time. It provides the same type of comfort the womb did. It’s very familiar and safe.

But with that said, I wasn’t mentally prepared for my son’s constant need to be held. It was so intense that it left me feeling

smothered,

trapped,

and even claustrophobic at times.

New mothers who are breastfeeding can especially expect to feel this way. The demand to be your baby’s only source of food, coupled with a painful latch and a fear of not having enough milk can be extremely stressful and overwhelming.

This can actually interfere with bonding because it’s so stressful.

It’s hard to bond with and enjoy your baby when you’re so stressed out and frustrated.

If this is happening to you, know you’re not alone.

I. have. been. there.

Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out, even when mothers have the best intentions and are very motivated.

And that’s OK.

I encourage you to reach out to a lactation consultant if you haven’t met with one yet. However, if breastfeeding is just too overwhelming, it’s ok to bottle-feed.

Your mental health, and having a positive experience bonding with your newborn is MORE important than breastfeeding.

The old saying “Breast is Best” is going away, and it’s being replaced by the better saying, “FED IS BEST”. And even better… “LOVED IS BEST”.

The top priorities during postpartum is to:

• Take care of your physical and mental health
• Bond with your baby
• Have your baby get enough nourishment, either from formula OR breast milk, or a combination of the two.

The first few days before a mother’s milk comes in there is immune boosting milk called “colostrum”. If you’ve chosen to bottle-feed with formula, but would still like your baby to be get some of your colostrum, you should talk to your nurse.

They will help set you up with a breast pump so you can give your pumped breast milk or “colostrum” without “breastfeeding”. Your hand expressed or pumped breastmilk may be given either in a bottle, syringe and tube, cup or spoon to your baby.

If you start pumping the first day after delivery you most likely won’t get any milk out, which is normal.

But, keep pumping every 3-4 hours and you’ll start to pump out some milk after the 2nd or 3rd day.

NICU PARENTS

Then, there are the new parents who have a baby in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU).

I haven’t forgotten about you.

While we’re all complaining about how much our babies want to be held, you may not be even able to hold your baby yet.

You’re being overwhelmed in SO many other ways.

My heart goes out to NICU parents because postpartum is naturally hard, but it is even harder with a baby in intensive care.

Then, what’s even harder than that is to not have a baby at all to care for during postpartum because they passed away.

Take all of those normal postpartum feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, and lonely and multiply them by 400,000. Then, add gut-wrenching heartache, grief, and guilt.

If you have a baby in the NICU or have lost a baby, you’ll have a social worker assigned to you. They will help support and guide you through this incredibly difficult time. They can give you the resources you need, which should include information about online support groups, local groups and therapists.

I’ll be dedicating a post in the future to parents who are having to go through postpartum without a baby.

Feeling overwhelmed with or without a baby is very normal. Just because you have your baby while others don’t is not something you should feel guilty about.

You can still be grateful and overwhelmed at the same time.

Caring for newborns is really hard.

I’m a Postpartum Nurse…that is my specialty. But, I still felt overwhelmed while caring for my own babies during this time. It’s a very intense and all consuming time for anyone.

So, what should you do if you’re feeling overwhelmed?

Ideally, you should ask someone you trust to watch the baby, even if it’s just for a short time while you nap, take a shower, or run to the store. It would be even more wonderful if you could take this opportunity to do something that you used to love to do, but haven’t found the time to do since you had a baby.

If you don’t have any friends or family to watch your baby, purchase a baby swing or something else like it that will help safely distract your baby while you get a little time for yourself. And if your baby insists on being held constantly (like most do), try wearing your baby on your chest around the house in a baby carrier. That way your baby will have a better chance at staying happy while your arms are freed up to do something you need to do or would like to do.

And again, if you’re feeling overwhelmed during postpartum, get out and move. I recommended this earlier if you’re feeling anxious. Put your bae in that stroller and strut! Moving your body and getting out will help decrease some of that anxious, overwhelmed energy.

But, what can you do if you’re so overwhelmed that you’re at your breaking point?

What if your baby won’t stop crying and you find yourself so extremely frustrated and even enraged by it?

Place your baby in a safe place, and walk away into a different room.

Even if they’re screaming their head off, they’ll be fine while you go into a different room.

Take deep, slow breathes, in through your nose and out through your mouth.

CRY.

Crying releases chemicals which helps to calm us down and helps to relieve our stress.

Also, CALL OR TEXT SOMEONE.

Excellent parents who deeply love their children can still snap during extremely stressful times.

That’s why it’s so important that all new parents and caregivers know

that it’s ok to walk away.

Cry if you need to, take some slow, deep breaths, call or text someone…

My cousin’s baby was shaken to death by her boyfriend who was watching him while she was at work. He didn’t know how to simply walk away.

An old friend of mine shook her baby. She was a single parent and was extremely stressed out by the inconsolable crying. Luckily her son lived, but he suffered a retinal hemorrhage (i.e.- bleeding deep inside his eyes) which is a common sign of shaken baby syndrome. This left him partially blind. She lost custody of him, and his foster parents ended up adopting him.

She also didn’t know that it was ok to walk away.

Make sure that anyone watching your baby while you’re away also knows that it can be extremely overwhelming when a baby won’t stop crying, but they must know those feelings are normal and that…

it’s ok to walk away.

POSTPARTUM IS ISOLATING

Surprisingly, postpartum can be very isolating.

This may come as a surprise to new parents because right after their baby is born they may have a lot of visitors and people reaching out to congratulate them.

It’s a very exciting time!

However, give it a week… and it can be a ghost town.

Where the hell did everyone go?

When my baby was crying at 3am, and I was crying at 3am, I felt so alone.

But that’s only part of the reason why postpartum can be isolating.

The other reason is because you’ll feel like you can’t go anywhere because your baby will scream and cry at unpredictable times.

How can you plan anything around that?!

Want a meal out with a newborn? Hopefully they’ll sleep through the meal, but be prepared to abandon ship if they don’t.

When I braved a night out with some family who were visiting from out of town my baby began screaming like a wild banshee child and I was forced to leave the restaurant and take him outside.

He wouldn’t settle down, even after offering him to breastfeed in the back of my minivan.

So, instead of partying with my family, I had a big, fat pity party for myself in the parking lot.

That experience struck fear in me, and I found myself declining most other invites to go out.

This led me to feeling housebound.

And very lonely.

What are some tips if you’re feeling isolated or lonesome during postpartum?

When you’re up throughout the night with your baby, find comfort in the fact that there are millions of other new parents going through the EXACT SAME THING at that very moment.

Think about all of the other exhausted new parents in Japan and Germany, Brazil and Africa, Iceland and Iran.

Think of all of the thousands of new parents just in your time zone RIGHT NOW who are up and who are feeling the same way as you are.

And they’re not only feeling alone, but they also may be in pain or are feeling anxious or are feeling completely sleep deprived or are feeling overwhelmed.

Let me assure you…

You are NOT alone in this.

Postpartum isn’t just hard for YOU.

It’s been hard for everyone throughout the history of time.

Even if you think you have a good support system, I encourage you to join a new parent group, or if you’re breastfeeding, join a breastfeeding group.

Joining a group will get you out of the house, and will help give you some perspective that you’re not alone.

If you can’t do that, then search online for groups and forums talking about the postpartum period.

Either meeting a group in person or online will help reassure you that the majority of other parents are also feeling anxious, overwhelmed and isolated.

Knowing this will help validate your own feelings.

And lastly, something else that will help your feelings of isolation is to watch movies about other parents going through the same crazy ass things you’re going through.

The old saying is “Misery loves company“.

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Here’s a list of movies that will give some comic relief to those feelings of being overwhelmed, isolated, and/or anxious. Just click on the links below to watch their trailers on YouTube.

Even just watching these trailers may help lighten your mood RIGHT NOW:

• Knocked Up
• The Change-Up
• Life as We Know It
• What to Expect When You’re Expecting
• Mr. Mom
• Look Who’s Talking
• Baby Mama
• Three Men and a Baby

POSTPARTUM IS HARD, BUT IT’S NORMAL

It’s time that these EXTREMELY COMMON postpartum feelings become more NORMALIZED in our society.

Feeling pain, anxiety, isolation, and being overwhelmed is extremely common during postpartum and beyond, and new parents shouldn’t be so quick to worry that those feelings mean that they have something wrong with them.

However, even though these feelings are normal and common, some parents experience these feelings more intensely than others, so NEVER hesitate to reach out to your doctor or a therapist. They’re there to help you through this difficult time.

Going through postpartum with my first baby was so hard that I didn’t know if I could go through it again.

Yet, I did.

And then,

somehow I did it again.

And yes,

it was by far the hardest time of my life.

But was it worth it?

Absolutely.

I’d go back in time and do it all over again in a heartbeat if it means I get to have my kids that I have now.

But…

it also sucked,

because being in pain, and feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and anxious sucks.

But, just by knowing that those feelings are extremely common and normal really helped me get through it.

And I hope that it helps you get through it too.

You’re not alone.

Postpartum is hard,

but, you’re gonna get through it.

I PROMISE.

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Disclaimer:

The content that I share on Purely Postpartum is not intended nor recommended as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I encourage you to always seek the advice of your own physician or other qualified health care professional regarding any medical questions or concerns.